A wellness service provider asked me to review an email offer she wasn’t feeling confident about sending to her growing list of subscribers.
I reviewed what she had written, asked a few questions, and then used a little bit of my magic to revise it.
HERE’S THE BEFORE:
First off, thank you so much for being open to trying a new experience with <product>. I’m genuinely excited to be able to share <product> with you and others.
The reason I’m emailing is, I’d like to extend the invitation to purchase a few <product> sessions at a discount. I’m calling it the In-House-Special and I’m only offering up a few to purchase. As you may have guessed these sessions will be out of my home, and yes, parking is included.
If you’ve been thinking you’d like to experience the <product> again and plunge into the freedom of your mind, shoot me a reply and I’ll get back to you right away with all of the details.
AND HERE’S THE AFTER:
Hi _____________ ,
First off, thank you so much for being open to trying the <product>. I’m beyond excited to be able to share it with you!
Which is why I’m emailing you today: I’d love to share it with you again, by inviting you to purchase a few <product> sessions at a reduced rate.
I’m calling it the In-House-Special because you guessed it: it’s in my home in <location> (and yes, parking is included.)
I’m only offering a few of these packages, so if you really enjoyed your experience and want to try it again, hit reply and let me know. I’ll get back to you with more details right away.
Thanks again _______________ ,
Through small yet effective changes, I made the copy more impactful.
By impactful, I mean her return on investment was 2500%.
She was really happy with the results, too: